Rolling with the Punches
This picture is the essence of my 2018 thus far. Dressed up, made up, fresh off of celebrating a milestone, and mentally worn all the way out. Right before this pic I proposed my dissertation. And right after this pic, I sat in my car for 30 minutes convincing myself to walk up the one flight of stairs to my condo. When I finally got in, I cleaned my WHOLE place (laundry, dishes, floors, kitchen, bathroom?!), took a long shower, and pretty much stayed in bed for the next 2 weeks. I was exhausted, I had an awful cough, I lost my voice for days at a time, and by the end of April I’d lost 10 pounds.
When I got my voice back, I finally caught up with one of my best friends who joined the military a few months ago and had just finished basic training. She said, “I checked my Bible app, and I checked your blog- and I didn’t see you on either. What’s going on?” So I told her: Starting with a bad, drawn out breakup that literally began on January 1st, 2018 has been a journey of extreme highs and lows. In between publications and panels, I was just rolling with the punches.
Right after I won the Holmes dissertation award in March I received a diagnosis that will definitely require treatment and surgery, and could possibly impact my fertility longterm. I went back and forth with different doctors saying get surgery now, or get treatment and surgery later. The entire time I thought about how the six weeks of recovery time would impact my dissertation timeline and productivity. There’s a conversation to be had here around listening to your body, but I’m still working that out.
My friend didn’t see my activity on the Bible app because I didn’t want to invite speculation about my inconsistency or the types of devotionals I’ve been reading. My friend didn’t see any blog posts because I’m still processing and finding the words for it all. It took me years to be able to admit and articulate that I was abused in a past relationship and work through the emotions of that. This year, it took me a while to admit and articulate that I was ghosted in my last relationship and work through the emotions from that. There’s a conversation to be had here around “good men” but I’m still working that one out too.
I am the strong friend. The friend who tells it like it is. The friend who has random knowledge on random things. And this year, I am the friend who ain’t got it all together and ain’t got it to give. But if there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that it’s called mental HEALTH for a reason.
No matter how physically strong or healthy you are, a car accident or the flu or food poisoning could take you out or set you back. No matter how mentally strong or healthy you are, life events can take you out or set you back. In either case, it’s ok to admit you’re not feeling well, and to seek professional help for your healing. I have a dentist, a gynecologist, an optometrist, and now, a therapist. There’s a conversation to be had here around “buying Black” by using Black doctors and professionals, but we’ll leave that for another day.
Check out therapyforblackgirls.com for a directory and renewyourselfwithjoy.com for an awesome Black female therapist SUPER close to FAU (y’all know I hate to drive far lol).